Update

Read Time:3 Minute, 25 Second

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I know, I know, many of you have felt the emptiness and void that I have left you in.

The reason (excuse) for my absence this time is that I am a student now at Augustine Institute, working on my Masters in Theology! Its been a big change, what with having constant due dates, readings, and exams. Even though I’ve been intentionally Catholic for many years, I have never done as much learning and reading about the faith as I have in these last two years.

However, when I do have time outside of school and family life, I tend to turn to other things that require less effort than working on this or editing podcasts. I enjoy writing thoughts down and reflecting on moments of inspiration, but I think what I avoid is the editing and making sure that it is polished enough to post (as I’m sure most people would describe my writings as ‘polished’).

So this, along with the podcast, have been put on the back burner. I have lots of drafts, ideas, and interviews I would like to get to one day – hopefully sooner than later. Maybe I’ll just write and post, and ignore the whole “read it over before submitting” advice every teacher and professor have ever given me. I tend to overthink what I’ve written when I look it over, and choose to come back to it later with fresh eyes – except that later rarely comes.

Honestly, I feel less worthy to be doing this. After being in only a few classes, I realize how little I truly know about our faith. I know there’s a lot to our faith, but I thought I knew the gist of it. One area of our faith I haven’t delved into is the lives of the saints – particularly their own writings. And they’re good. I’ve enjoyed a lot of those. And I want to read more, but at the same time, it’s challenging because of how it’s written. It’s not like a novel that you get drawn into and can lose yourself in. These saints write about things that you have to be paying attention to, and take time to pause and chew on, because it can (if you let it), change your life.

I’ve also realized how little time I have spent learning, reflecting, and praying. How little effort I put into the ministry. I want it to be easier, but I know that’s not how it works. Yet I struggle with the thought that if God’s really still calling me to this, than it should be easier (amirite, St. Paul?).

I don’t have profound life experiences. I don’t have many encounters with God (like big time drastic life changing encounters). I’m good at engaging people at surface level and connecting our faith to life when giving talks, but I fail to go deeper.

Am I supposed to work on some of these things? Or should I be content with where my abilities are, and focus solely on growing in holiness? Are they even exclusive of each other? My spiritual director told me I am very scrupulous about the choices I’ve made and need to just accept who I am and trust God more and let God change me instead of trying to change myself without His help. I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of that (but I’m probably being too scrupulous or something).

Another reason I’ve not posted in a long time – I’m struggling as a husband and father – if I have too much I’m trying to do, I do even worse. But then again, am I just taking the easy way out? If I start this back up again, does that mean I need to be more consistent with it? Do I need to plan ahead and have enough ready to go before posting this first one?